Otter Splicing



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Otter Splicing

This was written by a collegue, Robin, however it appears to have disappeared from his website, so I include a copy here.

Otter Splicing (Oh-tur suh-per-lice-ing)

1. Lost art of genus Lutra (and related genera) amalgamation, by means of persuasion and force. Very often using bulbackah rummy sticks for 'back-draft'. Outlawed in many backward states; Still practised in Oxford (UK) and other parts of Englandshire. Most commonly at a time of special celebration (e.g. birthday).

2. Insult used by extremely intelligent (nee. sexy) persons to persuade lesser spotted humans to consume alcohol -- usually in the Harcourt Arms (see entry entitled Best Pub in the World). Websters' Sport and Hobbies Dictionary 1987

Many have requested of me, as to what, rather than who, is Otter Splicing. I therefore, intend to layout, rather in the manner of Hannibal (from the A-Team), a short, succinct explanation of this most fascinating of sports.


Preparing for Otter Splicing (OS) is very simple and potential players rarely find themselves short of equipment. Indeed, missionaries who found themselves in Africa even though they were sure the bus had said Fleet Street on the front were able to teach locals the elements of the game using the most basic props lying to hand.

Long time enthusiasts will no doubt baulk to see the diaries of Mary Sheldon, a six foot giant of a man who took it upon himself to convince the chief of a local tribe of the joy of Christ through playing and exercising command of OS. His zeal was rewarded with one of the most remarkable games of his career. Yet, to start with he only used his trusty tungsten carbonate drill. As the following extract from his memoirs shows:

"The Mata-Butu chief seemed bemused at first, but with the first otter down he soon began to circle the cage-mangler like a seasoned pro stepping out to bat a Lords. Two or three splicings through he suddenly looked into the sky and bellowed 'Bloody Otters!'. At that moment I knew we had him. Quite an achievement considering that all he was using was an oil rig."

To come back to the point: Players must ensure that all friendlies have been equipped with bolsters and all enemies with grouting morselets. It is thoroughly improper to have everyone with morselets as this produces imbalance in each teams' otter-circling.

If players must insist on unilateral morseleting then, really, Pelican Faucet is the game rather than Otter Splicing.

Beginning Play

Now you can see how ready anyone is to begin Otter Splicing the question on your lips must be: "How do we start?".

This is a simple question to answer: To begin a game, simply line up the selected Otters and offer the opposing team the 'sweep'. This is known as 'offal jotting'. The opposing team can either accept the 'sweep' or pass it back.

To the beginner this can seem pointless as the first team to get the 'sweep' seemingly has the immediate advantage. But this can be deceptive. Professional teams have been know to pass 'sweeps' back and forth for considerable amounts of time - sometimes hours. Indeed, one match in India 1872 was said to have consisted entirely of the passing of 'sweeps' until one team conceded out of sheer exhaustion.

It is all about knowing your otters; and that is a subject we will have to cover at a later date. In the meantime, begin the game with 'offal jotting' and then the 'sweeping' team may begin.

Last updated: 10:54, 23 Jul 2003 Link..