The Sheldon Guide to Charm and Tact
Some of the fools at work suggested I write this guide. They say that I get on really well in an office environment, both when dealing with co-workers, and with customers.
I am sure the same techniques would work with the ladies, however I don't have a girlfriend, so I cannot confirm this.
Superiority
At all points, make subtle references to how good you are, better than them. People always respect their betters, and will respect you for it. The worse they feel, the more of a crutch your excellence can be to them. Do not let this one slip.
Sarcasm
Far from being the tool of the weak-minded, sarcasm is a powerful tool. Particularly in email where its use cannot be proven.
If you think that the answer to a technical question should be obvious then respond with a technical answer that is almost exactly the opposite, or that is simply technobabble. Done in a sufficiently sarcastic voice, this will both impress and belittle your co-workers.
The best feature about sarcasm is that Americans just don't get it. Not a single one of them has the intelligence to understand that you might not mean exactly what you said. They are all far too busy trying to blow themselves and the rest of the world to pieces, mainly fuelled by their narrow-minded bigotry.
Helpfulness
When asked a question, answer as succinctly as possible. "yes" or "no" are ideal, particularly as the answer to an either-or question. This will wrong-foot the asker, and save you the time expanding on the answer.
Never just answer the question. Giving a hint as to where the answer may be found. This emphasises how much more you know, whilst not pointing out that you don't actually know the answer to that specific question. While they are distracted looking it up, you can look it up quicker, once again emphasising your superiority. People respect a helpfully superior person.
Always point out spelling mistakes and typos in the work of others. Maybe try using it as an excuse to mis-parse the question before answering it. You never know, they might learn to type better/use the language they have been speaking for most of their life.
Make it seem like even the most trivial of work is actually an effort. This means that when you do this for someone then they appreciate it so much because of the amount of work it is.
Praise
If someone does well, comment on it. Try to sound surprised though, you don't want them think that you expect them to be getting better. That will just set them difficult to reach goals and depress them. We don't want that.
You also don't want to seem too interested in other people. They might think you are after their job or something. Seem detached, even depressed, when they tell you the interesting stories about what they are doing.
Following Instructions
Always follow instructions to the letter. Particularly instructions you feel are incorrect, given by customers. Wait for it all to blow up in their face, then sit in the corner going "ner ner ner I told you so". This can be effectively accomplished virtually, rather than by physically sitting in the corner, thus saving you looking silly.
Tact
It is important for people to know their failings, preferably in as public a forum as possible. Make a joke about it or something. They don't want someone pointing it out subtly later on, they will become paranoid and will think it is a bigger issue. Much better to make light of it.
Express shock at any changes that occur, no matter how small, or how positive they are. This shows you have noticed. People like to be noticed.
Last updated: 10:11, 23 Jul 2003 Link..